Setting and following resolutions, especially at the start of the New Year, is not easy. Often, we fall back into old routines, feel discouraged about those failures, and give up the goals altogether. In this article, Dr. Phil Henry, Palm Beach Atlantic University (PBA) professor of counseling and licensed mental health counselor, shares how eliminating hangups and embracing godly choices and new seasons can help us all reach—and stick to—our goals.
When it comes to resolutions, we are notoriously bad. According to Forbes Health, New Year’s resolutions only last two to four months before people give up. We eat more than we planned, exercise less, and slip back into old patterns like a pair of comfy pants.
This is because change, especially godly change, is not as simple as it seems. But it can be made easier with two simple steps:
- Burn bridges. Eliminate what occupies the territory you must conquer.
- Build bridges. Leave where you are and go to where you have not been.
I will first focus on burning bridges. The story is told that when Cortés (or some explorer) reached the New World, he burned the boats that he and his men had traveled on. The subtle or not so subtle message was: you are here and you are not going back the way you came. Henry Cloud in his book, “Necessary Endings,” writes about how ending things (like a forest fire, my illustration) brings about new growth.
Making Space for Change
To prepare for change, we must make space for it and prepare for it by freeing up time and resources. Most importantly, Marsha Linehan, the Dialectical Behavior Therapy guru, says the first goal is to eliminate the things that will prevent change. This means getting rid of people, places, and things that impede our growth.
I had a client who, when I asked him what he needed to do to stay sober, said, “I should probably remove my dealer’s number from my phone.”
“Do you want to do this now?” I asked.
“Definitely not,” he said.
Within a week, he relapsed. After returning to detox and treatment and going to a sober house, he returned to therapy. In the first session I asked him, “Would you be willing to erase your dealer’s number now?” At this point he was willing and so was successful.
So, start by—sorry about this—eliminating those people who block your God-given goal. If that is not possible, minimize their contact and connection with you. I know this may seem mean or nasty or brutal, but you cannot hold on to an old doorknob and open a new door. Bad relationships are the number one reason people stay stuck.
Avoid Looking Back
But there is more. You must eliminate the places and things that tie you to the past and keep you from your future and destiny. What are the places you frequent that stop you from moving ahead?
I had a student who worked in a bar. She kept telling me she was in one bad relationship after another. “Where did you meet these guys?” I asked. Surprisingly, she said at the bar she worked in.
“Well, you might want another job if you want a different kind of guy,” I told her.
Let’s not get all preachy, but sometimes we just need to do something different. She changed her job, found a different type of guy and told me she was engaged. Listen, it’s not magic, but let’s also be honest. Fish are in the sea. Changing places could help your goals.
Finally, change the things in your life. Put down your phone (as a fellow phone addict this is not easy.) Stop the other negative things: addictions, time wasters, and basic dumb things that the Apostle Paul says cling to us so easily.
Building Bridges
Once you burn bridges, prepare the way for the next step: building bridges based on passion.
Passion is built on three things:
- Investment of time
- Investment of money
- Making the thing you want to be passionate about a priority that trumps all other things
Start by, as Jesus said, taking the speck out of your eye (or my translation: burn the bridges in your life to see clearly, think clearly, and act clearly to achieve your God-given goal—for it is for this reason that you live, breathe, and move today.)
Get rid of the people, the places, and the things that hold you back. Jesus said we are to pick up our cross daily. When we are willing—or pray for the willingness—our resolutions might have a better chance of sticking.
Dr. Phil Henry is a licensed psychologist and qualified mental health supervisor. Before PBA, he taught at Temple University, Chestnut Hill College, Eastern University, and Cairn University. He has presented on many topics including Christian counseling, accelerated experiential dynamic psychotherapy (AEDP), addiction and recovery, motivational interviewing, neuroscience, and neurobiology. He is a published author and has also published several articles and book chapters. He holds a doctorate in counseling psychology from Temple University, an M.S. in counseling psychology from Chestnut Hill College, an M.Div. from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and a bachelor’s degree in psychology from PBA.